Much Ado About Huffing

When you pump gas, do you find that your mouth constantly gets in the way? Do you find yourself yearning for the taste of shoe polish and paint thinner? Do you put White Out on your pepperoni pizza from Dominos and Pizza Hut but put wood polish on your sausage and onion from Papa John’s? Do household cleaners like Pine Sol and Spic n’Span call to you in the mid of night? Is your dog named Polyurethane and your cat Mr. Clean? Is your favorite salad dressing ingredient tire cleaner? Do you hang out at the emissions place during your lunch hour, after work, on the weekends and every Friday night? Does WD-40 make you horny? When Rosie was talking about the quicker picker upper, she wasn’t referring to paper towels now was she? Do you have silver and gold spray paint cans lying around but nothing silver and gold to spray paint? Do you constantly wreak of nail polish remover? When someone offers you a beer do you immediately poor it out and fill the can and/or bottle with an industrial strength glue product? And does Elmer’s glue just make you mad? If so, then you’re a Huffer, which is a great profession in my book. The best part about huffing is that you can use many of the same products to make speed. Huffing is a cheaper alternative to coke and heroine and much of what you huff is recyclable if you huff it right. Well ventilated areas are for horses and other wild beasts you can whisper to, but not for Huffers. Huffers don’t play that. Give me an 8 x 10 or smaller with no windows any day of the week. I suggest you build huff tents or huff lodges. That way you can invite friends and charge admission. They will call you The Great Hufferpotomus, Chief Huffs Alot, Huff Daddy or The Huffness Monster and they will worship you all your Huffiness to the max.

I don't usually do not do this, but this post is dedicated to a Red Headed Step Child friend of mine, who once huffed NyQuil in it's purest form during his lunch hour and lived to tell us about it. God bless RHSC, oh great huffer of NyQuil. Stay tuned for more adventures of RHSC when we discuss how dog walking and head wounds can go hand in hand.